All these words I just don’t say (2/2)

Title: All These Words I Don’t Just Say
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Warning: Post-“Abandon All Hope.”
Word Count: 10,200
Rating: NC-17
Summary: This was not just about two friends making each other feel good. This was more.
Notes: Written for . A sequel to Beneath the Sheets of Paper. Title is from “Nothing Else Matters” by Metallica.
Notes2: The version that was originally posted is not what I intended to be the final version. There are some small changes throughout.


Sam suggested a swim, since they had unexpected free time. Castiel frowned. “I don’t have a suit.”

“There are a hundred shops in this hotel alone,” said Dean. “We’ll find you a suit.”

“More shopping,” Castiel murmured, and gave him a look Dean could only call mischievous.

They managed to behave this time, mostly because the dressing room had a big “Dressing rooms are monitored by video surveillance” signs on the mirrors and Dean didn’t want his face on their surveillance any more than could be helped. The shops were busy, the coffee shop where they had breakfast had been busy, and when they went down to the pool area there were dozens of people splashing in the water or sunning themselves in the sunshine.

Dean and Sam both knew how to swim, of course, it was one of those things John had made them practice for hours at a stretch, but they rarely swam for the pleasure of it anymore. Their swim trunks were old and ragged, and Sam’s were too small. Still, once Sam took off his t-shirt every head within ten yards turned in his direction, and Dean knew the clingy swim trunks were only part of it.

“Why, Sammy, I do believe you’re the belle of the ball,” Dean teased, and Sam rolled his eyes.

“I think I should have gotten a new suit too. This thing is going to rip if I do anything more strenuous than breast stroke.”

“Maybe one of these girls will offer to help with that,” Dean said. “And then you’ll have a date for tonight.”

“Not looking for a date, Dean,” said Sam with a sigh. He put on his sunglasses and lay back in his chair.

“We just lie here?” Castiel said from the lounge chair on Dean’s other side. His skin was much paler than Sam’s tan and his muscles were not so prominent, but he looked lean and wiry and strong. Dean reached over for his hand.

“We just lie here. We soak up the sun. Maybe we swim after a bit, maybe not.” He lowered his sunglasses. “Do you even know how to swim?”

“It can’t be that difficult,” Castiel said, his eyes on the people cavorting in the water.

Dean chuckled. “No, it really isn’t.” He held Castiel’s hand loosely and closed his eyes. The sun warmed him and the air smelled like clean water, and Castiel absently stroked his wrist over and over and it felt so good.

“Hey,” Sam said after a while, “what are you planning for tonight?”

Dean shrugged. “I thought Cas and I might go out and find a party somewhere.”

“He wants to kiss me at midnight,” Castiel said.

Sam chuckled. “Okay. I’ll find something. Watch the ball drop in Times Square or something.”

“They probably do that at the New York New York,” Dean said.

“I don’t know if I want to be out with that many people. Or if I should be.” He shifted in the chair. “You never know where someone we don’t want to see is going to turn up.”

“Yeah, but you can’t spend New Year’s Eve sitting in a hotel room.”

“Why not? That’s what we usually do.”

Dean slapped Sam’s leg. “Because we’re in Las Vegas, Sammy! One of the most exciting cities in the world! You’ve got to get out and have a little fun.”

“Because this may be the last New Year’s Eve we’ll have?” Sam said.

“Yes,” said Dean. “Because this may be it. Please have some fun tonight. See a movie. Dance with a girl. Eat something you’ve never had before. Just, send this year out with a bang.”

“I’ll leave that for you guys,” Sam said and smirked at him. “I think it’s time I swim.” He rose from the chair, and Dean rolled his eyes and smiled when he saw how many heads turned to follow him. He watched as Sam dove into the water, his movements contained and purposeful as he began to swim. Everyone was watching Sam, it seemed to Dean, and Sam, of course, was oblivious.

“A great many people find him attractive here,” Castiel said.

“Yup. Us Winchester boys, we’re pretty.”

“Yes, you are,” Castiel said softly and squeezed his hand.

Dean looked at him, smiling, and closed his. He didn’t open them when someone joined them in the lounge chair where Sam had left his towel and t-shirt.

“That man you were talking to, the really tall dark-haired one,” she said, and Dean peeked at her a moment before closing his eyes again. She was pretty and blonde, and from this angle her legs looked long and curvaceous. It was a good start, anyway.

“He’s twenty-;seven, single and well-educated.”

“Single, huh? He’s not,” she paused, obviously not quite sure of the relationship between the three of them, “a boyfriend?”

“No,” Dean said and removed his hand from Castiel’s grip. “He is not a boyfriend.”

“Good,” she said. “I mean—well, good.” She held out her hand. “I’m Tallie. Introduce me?”

Dean shook her hand. “I’m Dean. This is Cas.”

“Hello,” said Castiel.


Dean looked at her, thinking. “You married?”

She held up her hands. She wore a few rings on her thumbs and middle fingers, and none were a gold band. “I am not.”

“This is going to sound like a strange question, but are you religious?”

“Not especially. I went to Sunday school as a kid but that was a long time ago.” She leaned her elbow, her chin on her hand.

Dean nodded and decided truth would be okay, to a point. “He’s my kid brother. His name is Sam. I would love for someone to take him out tonight and make sure he has a good New Year’s Eve, but I’ve also looked after him every day of his life, just about, and I’m not going to hand him over to the first person who asks. So make your case, Tallie.”

“Okay,” Tallie said and took a deep breath. “My name is Tallie Donaldson and I’m from Cincinnati. I have two little sisters so I know what it’s like to look after a sibling, believe me. I work as a court stenographer, and I’m also single. I broke up my boyfriend of four years just in time for Christmas. We’d made plans to come here for New Year’s Eve and I figured I should come anyway and have a good time. Maybe find someone to have a good time with. Maybe someone to kiss at midnight. And I think your brother is very, very cute.”

“Good so far,” Dean said. “I can’t promise you a kiss at midnight, though.”

“I think I can handle that part myself,” she said, smiling. “And you? Who will you kiss at midnight?”

Dean grinned. He couldn’t help himself, and he knew if Castiel was watching he would start blushing now. “Oh, someone.”

“I see. So, do I pass muster?”

Dean chuckled. She was pretty and used words like “muster” and there was nothing demonic about her, as far as Dean could tell. Castiel would have indicated if he felt anything wrong with her, he knew. “I think you do, Tallie.” He saw Sam’s head break the surface of the water and gestured to him to come back.

Sam climbed out of the pool and shook water from his hair as he walked back to the lounge chairs. “Hi,” he said to Tallie and raised his eyebrows at Dean.

“Sam, this is Tallie,” Dean said. “She thinks you’re cute. I think it’s time I teach Cas to swim.” He stood and looked down at Castiel. “Ready?”

“Certainly,” Castiel said and rose to join him.

They ambled across the pool complex to the shallow end of one of the furthermost pools, and when he looked back Sam and Tallie were sitting on the lounge chair, talking.

He’d done the best he could, he thought, and waded into the pool, his hand on Castiel’s back. “Hey. What do you think of Tallie?”

Castiel frowned a moment. “She has a wounded heart, but she doesn’t expect Sam to heal it.”

“That’s probably good for both of them,” Dean replied. “Now. Swimming. You are going to love this.”

“I’m sure you’re right,” Castiel replied.


“Am I an awesome brother or am I an awesome brother?” Dean said when Sam returned to their suite, an hour or so after Dean and Castiel left the pool.

Sam flopped onto the sofa and stole some French fries from Dean’s plate on the room service table. “She’s pretty cool. We’re going out to dinner tonight.”

“So I am an awesome brother,” said Dean.

“You’re an awesome brother,” Sam said, rolling his eyes, and stole more French fries. “But don’t get your hopes up. We both know this is just a New Year’s Eve thing. Ships passing in the night.”

“It’s better than sitting here alone all night,” Dean pointed out and had another bite of his mushroom-Swiss burger. His eyes nearly rolled in ecstasy. “Damn, this Angus beef stuff is the shit.”

“Is that good?” Castiel said, putting down his burger.

“That’s awesome.” Castiel still didn’t pick up his burger and Dean said, “It’s okay to eat, Cas. Cross my heart.”

Sam looked amused, and took Dean’s glass to have a few sips of his beer. “How’s our cash situation?”

“Barely a dent. We’re good. Do you want to take Tallie out someplace swanky tonight?”

Sam shrugged. “I was thinking the French place on the mezzazine, and then a club later.”

“Gonna kiss her at midnight?” He grinned at Castiel.

“I have not made up my mind about that,” Sam said with dignity. “I was wondering if we ought to make a little money while we’re here.”

Dean shook his head. “We’ve got enough to last for a couple months, Sammy. And I wouldn’t want to hustle while we’re here. A little casino out in the desert, maybe, not but where the mob still has its fingers in the pie. I don’t want to ring in the New Year with broken kneecaps.” He took the glass back so he could have the last swallow.

“If you’re sure,” Sam said. “I smell like chlorine. Gonna have a shower.”

“Enjoy,” said Dean, and Sam snorted as he went into the other bedroom.

“Why is it that important, to kiss at midnight?” Castiel said in his serious way. “Is it for luck?”

“It’s because kissing someone at midnight is cool,” Dean said. “I’m just glad I can finally give you that date you’ve been wanting.”

“I’m looking forward to that as well,” Castiel said and gave him a gentle look from under his lashes.

Dean licked his lips. “Or we could just stay in bed and fuck.”

“We can do that anywhere.”

“Yeah,” Dean said, “but how often are we going to get to do it in a bed that nice?”

“It is a very nice bed,” Castiel allowed and put down his burger again to kiss Dean sweetly. “I think it’s the nicest we’ve ever been in.” He brushed his lips down Dean’s throat.

“It’s a great bed,” Dean whispered, tilting back his head. “Should we go back to it?”

“Yes,” Castiel said and stumbled over his own feet in his haste to get up from sofa.

They stripped of each other’s clothes and got onto the bed, and Castiel pushed Dean onto his back and kissed him slowly. Dean pressed his thighs against Castiel’s hips and raised his ass when he felt Castiel’s cock prod against him. “Yeah, Cas.”

“Let me get the lubricant,” Castiel whispered and kissed him again before he rolled off the bed and wen into the bathroom. He came back with the little bottle in his fist, and kissed Dean again as he lay on top of him. Dean shuddered when he felt Castiel’s fingers push the lube into him, and he moaned louder as Castiel’s fingers moved inside him.

Castiel kissed him, tongue flicking into his mouth, and then pulled away to lift Dean’s legs over his shoulders. He rocked forward, his gaze locked on Dean’s face, and Dean held his shoulders and rocked right back with a soft, “Fuck, yeah, Cas.”

This was another thing about Castiel: he liked doing it face-to-face, liked being able to look into Dean’s eyes. It got intense sometimes, the way Castiel would just gaze at him with eyes that were normally so calm but could grow so hot and lustful. An angel feeling lust, who knew.

And who knew an angel could fall in love, either. Angels were created and empowered by their love of God, as Dean understood it, but they weren’t supposed to love individuals, they weren’t supposed to like people.

But not his Cas. Castiel liked him. Castiel, an angel, a perfect and holy being, liked Dean, an ordinary man a past that could generously be called colorful. More than that, Castiel loved Dean. He knew all of Dean’s secrets and loved him anyway.

Dean twisted so he could get his arms under him and push himself up. He caught Castiel’s mouth with his lips and touched Castiel’s tongue with his own. It wasn’t the easiest position ever but it let Castiel get into him deep and Dean liked that a lot more than he’d admit to anyone but Cas.

That was another thing. Sure, Dean had done anal with a few adventurous women over the years, and let them play with his ass if they wanted to, but the one time a woman had brought out a dildo and proposed fucking him with it he’d nearly fallen over laughing. The first time he and Castiel had sex he’d fucked Cas and Cas had come, had seemed to enjoy it, but he’d also wanted to top Dean the next time they’d done it. Dean let him because it was Castiel and Dean trusted him, and he figured if he didn’t like it Castiel wouldn’t insist on doing it again.

And it had been…fuck. Good. One of the most intense orgasms Dean had ever had. And he’d known, as he lay gasping in Castiel’s arms while his nerves did little jigs under his skin, that this was not just about two friends making each other feel good. This was more.

It scared him. It exhilarated him. He didn’t know how to tell Castiel he wanted to do things to him until he passed out from passion and wanted to share the joy when he was happy and comfort him when he was sad and wanted to show him every wonder in the world and wanted…just wanted Castiel. Always.

It had been a long time since they’d done it in the daytime, he realized as he watched Castiel’s face, and he’d missed it. Sure, leaving a light on was okay, but it wasn’t the same as sunlight painting Castiel’s body gold and warmth bathing over them. Dean moved his legs higher on Castiel’s shoulders and Castiel bent over him, his expression determined as his hips snapped, and he took Dean’s prick in his long beautiful fingers and stroked him in his tight, slick grip.

“Yeah, “Dean said, his hands in Castiel’s hair, “yeah,” and he came, Castiel’s hand and cock wringing a long lingering orgasm that left him dizzy and gasping. He held Castiel loosely around his waist as Castiel finished, his own climax quiet and intense.

Castiel slumped against him and Dean kissed his forehead and his damp hair. He looked out the window at the city and muttered, “Viva Las Vegas,” not caring if he sounded like a dork.


After sundown Sam went to meet Tallie and Castiel and Dean went out to the Strip. The streets were packed with cars that moved so slowly Dean thought it must be taking twenty minutes just to drive from hotel to hotel. The sidewalks were not much better, and Castiel was so polite he kept stepping aside to let other people pass, to the point that he and Dean couldn’t move more than a few inches forward at a time.

Dean held tight to Castiel’s hand nonetheless as they made their way to a club that had looked promising online. “It’s a gay bar,” he shouted into Castiel’s ear, and Cas nodded to indicate he’d heard. “So we can dance together.” Castiel squeezed his hand and smiled at him, and Dean paused and smiled back. He shouted to Cas, “Unless you want to do something else.”

Castiel leaned close and whispered in his ear, “I want to dance with you,” and Dean wished he could pull Castiel into his arms right there on the sidewalk.

Instead he said, “Okay. We’ll find this place. It shouldn’t be much farther.” He squinted at the neon signs over their heads, trying not to be jostled too much as he got his bearings. “There it is,” he said when he saw the club’s sign, and led Castiel through the crowd to the door. The bouncer gave them both skeptical looks, but took Dean’s money and let them in.

Inside, the music was thumping and electronic, not Dean’s taste at all—not Castiel’s, either, to judge by the pained look on his face. Nonetheless Dean rested his palm on Castiel’s back and said, “Drink first or dance first?”

“Dance,” said Castiel, but paused when they came in sight of the dance floor. “I’m not certain I can move that way.”

“It’s like swimming,” Dean said. “Just do what your body says.”

“My body and I don’t communicate that fluently,” Castiel said, and Dean laughed and pulled him out onto the floor anyway.

The problem was, Dean’s body didn’t move like that, either. He was pretty comfortable in his skin but it was one thing to dance with a girl to a ballad from a juke box, for instance, and it was another to dance with Castiel while other men looked at them and tried to move in. Castiel, at least, just smiled politely and moved closer to Dean every time someone tried.

After ten minutes or so, maybe twenty—it was hard to tell, these songs went on for eons—Dean leaned forward and shouted to Castiel, “Okay. You hate this.”

“Yes,” Castiel said and put his arms around Dean’s neck. “It’s too loud and everyone is thinking about having sex or getting high.”

“We’re guys,” Dean said, “we think about sex every eight seconds.”

Castiel listened for a moment, then nodded. “Yes, that’s about how it works out.”

Dean chuckled and stepped closer to him, and figured what the hell. He ignored the beat of the music to just hold Castiel close and sway with him, and if the other men dancing around them thought they were sappy he didn’t care. “I wanted to show you a good time tonight,” he said into Castiel’s ear.

“I always have a good time with you.”


“Well. Almost always.”

Dean chuckled again. He said, “Maybe we’re just not the dating kind,” and bit his lip.

Castiel slid his fingers into Dean’s hair. “Maybe just not this kind of date.”

“We could just go back to the hotel and watch TV.” Exactly what he’d told Sam not to do, but Sam was out with Tallie tonight. He could make fun of them all he wanted tomorrow.

“Let’s just get out of this noise,” Castiel said, and Dean nodded and took his hand. He bought them both a bottle of water from the bar and they went back out to the Strip.

They had to pass the Bellagio to reach the Florenzia—this was probably on purpose, Dean realized—and he gave Castiel’s hand a tug. “Hey, Cas?” Castiel turned to look at him. “Let’s watch the fountains.”

Castiel smiled a little and let Dean pull him close, and leaned back against Dean’s chest with a quiet sigh. Dean wrapped his arms around him and kissed the back of his neck. They didn’t have long to wait before the fountains started their display, great jets of water many feet high shooting up in succession as the PA system played some opera singer.

Halfway through the song Castiel turned in Dean’s embrace, and as the fountains exploded behind them he kissed Dean, his arms going around Dean’s neck. Somebody wolf-whistled at them and Dean started to break away, but Castiel held Dean’s jaw and kissed him more insistently. Dean smiled and kissed him back, content to keep his arms around Castiel’s waist and his tongue moving slowly in Castiel’s mouth.

“Dean?” Castiel whispered when they parted. The display was over and the crowd began to move around them again.

“Yeah, babe?”

“Could we go outside the city? Could we go out to the desert somewhere? I like the desert.”

“The highway might be a little crazy.”

“We don’t have to drive.”

“Cas,” Dean said patiently. “No. The transporting does awful things to my digestion.”

“You mentioned that,” Castiel murmured with a touch of amusement in his tone, and Dean squeezed him a little tighter. It was so bizarre, the things that reminded Dean of why he loved this guy. “We should get back to the hotel, then.” He pulled himself slowly from Dean’s embrace and took Dean’s hand, and they made their way through the crowds back to the Florenzia.


There were canyons outside the city, red sandstone dotted with scrubby brush and Joshua trees. Dean brought the Impala to a stop and climbed out, shivered a little and then smiled as Castiel wrapped his arms around him again. The silence was profound here compared to the city, only the wind against the stones and through the long narrow grasses. There was little light out here, too, and the city was far enough away that its neon lights were a mere orange smudge in the distance.

“This was a great idea,” Dean said softly, after they’d stood and watched the moonlight move over the sand for a while.

“I am glad.” Castiel rested his chin on Dean’s shoulder and Dean tilted back his head to touch their temples together. “Though it does mean we will not dance together again tonight.”

“Actually we can still do that,” Dean said.


Dean held up one finger and went back to the car. He turned on the engine just enough to power the radio and lights, and turned the volume up loud. He didn’t have much music that was suitable for slow-dancing and the radio signals here were faint, but he still managed to find a song that would suit.

He came back to Castiel, who was smiling at him. “May I have this dance?” Dean said formally and held out his hand.

“You may have every dance,” Castiel said and stepped into his arms. Dean held him, their cheeks touching, and closed his eyes. He swayed, breathing in Castiel’s scent.

Eventually he checked his watch and stopped dancing. “Hey. Countdown?”

“Yes.” Castiel kept his arms around Dean and looked at the watch face. They both leaned against the Impala as the second hand ticked down to zero.

“Five, four, three, two, one…” Dean looked up at Castiel. “Happy New Year.”

“Happy New Year,” Castiel said. He held Dean’s face and kissed him gently. Dean smiled and kissed him back, and thought he’d gotten everything he wanted for the holidays.

He rubbed Castiel’s arms and whispered, “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, you know that?” while he looked everywhere but into Castiel’s eyes.

“I was only doing my duty.”

“I don’t mean from Hell. I mean everything since. I’m just…I’m glad you love me.”

Castiel nodded at that, and when Dean looked at him he had a little bit of a smile. “No matter what happens I will always be grateful we had this.” He touched Dean’s cheek.

“Nothing’s going to happen,” Dean said.”We’re going to get through this.” Castiel looked away and Dean said, “When all this is over we’re going to find a little house somewhere, maybe up in the mountains, and you and me, we’ll just live out our lives. And we’ll be happy.”

“That is a lovely fairy tale.”

“It’s no fairy tale,” Dean said. “It’s a promise. It’s my promise to you.”

Castiel shook his head. “Dean. I would like to tell you why I was avoiding you now.”

Dean swallowed hard. “Okay.”

Castiel inhaled. “When Lucifer had me he told me certain things—things I had not thought of but that I know are true.”

“Demons lie, Cas,” Dean began.

“He is no demon, Dean. He is an angel. A corrupt one, but an angel nonetheless. And he is my brother.”

“Whatever he said to you, it’s a lie,” Dean said. “Something to make you fearful and weak, to get you on his side because he needs you on his side, Cas, but you won’t go. You won’t.”

Castiel turned agonized eyes to him. “He said if you and Sam succeed in destroying him, the angels will hunt me next.” Dean blinked and his mouth opened, but no words came out. Castiel went on, “He is correct. The other angels will only see that I rebelled. They won’t understand why. They won’t understand that I love you enough to turn my back on them.”

Dean held him by his shoulders and looked straight into his eyes. “No, he isn’t, and you know why? Because you’re not a self-righteous douchebag out to get all the power you can grab. You’re not a whiny kid whose daddy didn’t hug him enough. You’re good, Cas. You’re good. And don’t you for a second think otherwise.”

Castiel leaned against him with a quiet sigh, and Dean stroked his hair and kissed him over and over. “But I rebelled, Dean. You must remember that. They won’t see any goodness in me. They’ll only see that I disobeyed.”

“Then I will fucking protect you,” Dean said and Castiel blinked at him, startled by his ferocity.

“Dean,” he said, “you must understand. If I don’t find my Father, the only way you will defeat Lucifer is if you say yes to Michael.”

“I wouldn’t,” Dean insisted. “And I wouldn’t say yes to Michael without him promising me he’d protect you, too.”

“Dean,” he said, shaking his head, and he held the front of Dean’s jacket a moment.

“What? You don’t believe me? You think I’d run off and leave you defenseless when you need me most? Cas, I—I love you. If that’s not enough, fuck, I don’t know what is.”

Castiel lowered his head and breathed slowly, and Dean pulled him close again and kissed him. “Of course you would face the forces of heaven for me,” Castiel whispered. “Of course you would.”

“Damn straight I would.” He rubbed Castiel’s back and kissed him again.

“I believe every word you tell me,” Castiel said. “I believe every promise you make.”

“Good. They’re all true. I’m so fucking in love with you, I don’t even know how to tell you sometimes. The words get all knotted up and I just have to kiss you to untie them.”

“Is that why you kiss me?”

“Sometimes,” Dean said. “Sometimes I kiss you just because I want to kiss you. Hey. Do you wanna go back to the hotel and ring in the New Year with some champagne and sex?”

“Always your favorite way to end the day,” Castiel murmured.

“It’s an awesome way to end the day.” He settled his hands on Castiel’s hips. “And forget all about what Lucifer said. He’s a douche. And you’re still the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Castiel traced a symbol over Dean’s t-shirt. “Yes. I want champagne.” He pressed a finger to the hollow of Dean’s throat. “I want to lick it from here.”

“Okay,” Dean said with a shiver. He pressed Castiel’s palm to his mouth and then opened the door to the Impala to let him in. It was a new year, a new day, and he couldn’t wait to start it off right.


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