Five People Jack Harkness Never Snogged

Title: Five People Jack Harkness Never Snogged
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who/Harry Potter/Lost/X-Files/Stargate: Atlantis
Pairing: Jack/Various
Warning: Small spoilers for “The Shakespeare Code” (Doctor Who), “Fire” (The X-Files)
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Summary: Five people Jack Harkness never snogged.

1. Sirius Black
The man at the bar is celebrating loudly. “Drinks on me! Drinks all around! I have a godson! Have a drink!” He’s tall and handsome with dark, careless hair, and mostly it’s the leather coat that sets him apart from all the other possibilities tonight.

Jack accepts the drink, raises it. “To your godson. What’s his name?”

“Harry.” The man smiles. “They’re calling him Harry.”

It’s the smile that clinches it–so gentle you’d almost think the boy was his own child. The man accepts when Jack suggests they move to a table, and laughs when Jack chooses one in the darker reaches of the tavern.

“I can tell you don’t belong here, you know,” he says, running a hand over the wool sleeve of Jack’s coat. “But I don’t care.”

“I don’t belong anywhere,” Jack says and kisses him.

2. Dana Scully
The first question on Jack’s mind when he meets with Agents Mulder and Scully is if they’re sleeping together, and if so, how to persuade them to let him join in.

“Of course,” he says as they all bend over the artifact, “there’s no such thing as aliens.”

Agent Scully smiles and then buries it as Agent Mulder sputters and launches into a tirade about conspiracies and little green men and DNA experiments. Jack smiles at Agent Scully and is gratified when she smiles back.

Agent Mulder hares off somewhere after they leave the police station, leaving Agent Scully alone with Jack. He wonders if it’s worth the time and effort to retcon the entire police force, when she says, “The last time we liaised with someone from the British government it as Agent Mulder’s ex-girlfriend. I’m so relieved they sent someone else.”

“I’ve never met Agent Mulder before,” he assures her.

“Yes. I apologize for his attitude–he’s a bit . . . enthusiastic.”

“It’s all right.” He’s got her figured out: she’s the kind who wants to be seduced intellectually first, and he’s willing to talk a bit, see where it goes. “Do you believe him?”

She smiles again. She’s beautiful in a porcelain-doll kind of way, and he thinks her skin will be cool and smooth under his fingers. “Sometimes. Sometimes I think he’s just crazy.” She pauses. “Do you?”

“That object isn’t from this planet,” he says quietly, “I know that for certain.”

She nods and looks away. “Thank you for your help, Captain Harkness.”

“Anytime.” He hesitates. It’s probably that hesitation that causes her to look back at him, curious. “Can I see you back to your hotel?”

She thinks it over for a moment, then nods. “Yes.”

In the end, she kisses him first, in the car after they’ve been parked and talking in the hotel parking lot for nearly two hours. “God, you’re so normal,” she whispers, and he has to laugh at that.

3. Rodney McKay
It’s the only way to shut him up.

Sheppard is really more his type, and he’s intrigued by the prospect of seducing that gorgeous, muscular warrior Ronan, and damn if Teyla isn’t one of the most beautiful women in the universe–but McKay is . . . different.

So he goes with different.

He likes McKay a lot, despite the initial mistrust when the TARDIS materialized in Atlantis. The Doctor and McKay have a lot to talk about and it’s always fun to watch the Doctor match wits with someone who understands what he’s saying. But, oh, lord, sometimes even Jack craves a little silence, just the sound of skin against skin. “Talk shop with the Doctor,” he says, comfortable against Rodney’s solid, warm body. “It’s quiet time now.”

“You only like me for my body,” McKay sulks.

“Yes,” Jack says with a laugh and tugs him closer. “I do.”

4. Shakespeare
The playwrite greets the Doctor like an old friend, and holds onto Jack’s hand just a moment too long for a merely friendly greeting. The Doctor makes remarks about fifty-seven academics but Jack hardly listens–it’s Shakespeare and he’s hot. “We can’t stay long,” the Doctor remarks but Jack doesn’t need long–he only needs long enough.

“I can’t believe,” the Doctor fumes later, “that you almost let me get beheaded because you wanted to say you’ve had sex with William Shakespeare.”

“I’m sorry,” Jack says cheerfully. “But I at least I rescued you in time. Doesn’t that mean anything?”

The Doctor concentrates on programming the TARDIS for their next stop, muttering that Jack collects vanity fucks like some people collect autographs.

5. Charlie Pace
The band isn’t the best Jack’s ever heard, but what they lack in experience they make up for in enthusiasm. He goes to the meet’n’greet after the gig ends, which consists mostly of roadies and hangers-on, and introduces himself to the lead singer. Liam is completely uninterested, though: he’s got an arm around a pretty blonde who’s wearing an engagement ring.

The bassist keeps giving Jack looks, though, so Jack joins him with a pint and holds out a hand. “Captain Jack Harkness.”

“Charlie.” They shake. The boy drinks. His leg jiggles nervously and he watches Jack out of the corner of his eye.

Jack decides to get to the point: “Do you want to get out of here?” and the boy looks at him, wide-eyed.

“Very much,” he says, and follows Jack out of the pub.

It’s not romantic by any means; he presses the boy against the rough bricks in the alley and kisses his mouth. His skin smells of cigarette and pot smoke, perspiration, plain soap. There was nothing shy in his manner–apparently this wasn’t the first time he’d snogged a bloke in an alley.

“Did you like the music?” he whispers as Jack grinds their hips together. “Did you enjoy the band?”

“Yes, yes, of course I did,” Jack says, though it wasn’t really his taste and he came to the club mostly out of boredom.

“Of course you did,” the boy repeats with relief in his voice and kissed Jack even harder.


1 thought on “Five People Jack Harkness Never Snogged”

  1. This is my new favourite 5 things fic. Jack trolling Mulder has to be one of the greatest things ever committed to fanfic, surely.

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